Seasons
It’s a cold world that we live in
That thought embedded in my brain from the beginning
Since the age of 4 I’ve been a lost soul
Living through trauma I dug a deep hole
See I always wanted what I couldn’t have
The picture perfect family me, mom and dad
I never knew my dad and mom weren’t around
My Grandpa always picked me up off of the ground
My life changed in ’92 I was legally adopted
By my aunt and uncle my Grandpa tried to stop it
My aunt was cool her other half’s a clown
He would rip me up and then throw me down
Such as life he did it for a reason
Maybe I’ll find out why another season
Many seasons came and passed me by
I was an oddball in school and never knew why
I always had friends but still felt alone
But I would rather be alone then be in my home
See growing up I went through some things
Some sick twisted stuff one would never dream
I never told a soul ‘til many years had passed
That my clown of an uncle was a piece of trash
I’ve told him I’ll forgive him but never forget
Don’t know how he sleeps at night without regret
Such as life everything has a reason
Maybe I’ll find out why another season
Many more seasons flew right by
In high school I coped with my feelings by getting high
You know how it starts at first its always fun
Until years later you chase the dragon for another one
Alcohol and weed lead me to that progression
The harder the drugs the worse the aggression
There came a time when I thought I was a slick chic
Selling drugs for my habit never getting rich
I would drink to no end and smoke the loud pack
Until drinking and driving I crashed my car and broke my back
Surgeon said there was a 10% chance I would never walk again
I know my angels had my back from up in Heaven
My accident happened for a reason
Maybe I’ll find out why next season
The next season was a rather gloomy one
My world became so dark there was no sun
See I had quit drinking but I would still smoke
Until a few months later I started smoking coke
Dealing with my back pain I would self medicate
The way them percs would hit, made me feel so great
I didn’t take them everyday only on occasion
Their cost plus my money equaled a negative equation
For whatever reason I really loved that crack
I would smoke it by myself that was pretty whack
That went on for a year and a half
Until I finally got tired of only living for another blast
For my sisters birthday I quit the hard drugs
She was the one for which I had unconditional love
I stopped for a bit for another reason
Hopefully I’ll find out why next season
The next season was spring of 2013
Tall dark and handsome I met the man of my dreams
We hit it off and always stayed connected
Had tons of fun and I was well respected
That summer we traveled the whole east coast
We sold drugs together so we stayed afloat
That same summer we happened to fall in love
First with one another later, then with the drugs
We loved to pop molly that’s how our nights were spent
Until then fall came and we found out I was pregnant
Every single thing happens for a reason
Maybe I’ll find out why next season
The next season I would say was crazy
Morning sickness back pain I became so lazy
See Corey and I developed an ungodly habit
We took percs everyday we just had to have it
“I’ll quit before the baby comes” is what I would say
But being ill and pregnant there was no freaking way
They say bad things always happen in three’s
The next chain of events made me hit my knees
After Christmas I got some of the worst news
My cousin Jamie was shot and killed I wish it wasn’t true
A few weeks later Corey was rushed by fiends
He was gun bucked and shot at, it was quite a scene
The following week the cops were at our door
They raided our home but their luck was poor
We then switched our lives up for a reason
Our daughter was due and coming the same season
The next season was one for the books
I fell in love at the very first look
Our daughter Paige was born so perfectly
8 pounds 4 ounces she looked just like me
See I never knew true love until I saw this girl
Little ball of joy the center of my world
When she was two months old something bad happened
We saw that fiend from last season and no one was laughing
He was a dope head but him and Corey used to be tight
On that August day Corey lost it and stabbed dude with a knife
Needless to say my man got arrested
When he came home my will power was tested
He told me about his cellmate who loved that crack
As smart as Corey is he was curious and said “let’s try that”
So I let it happen beginning a two year run
Shit was hectic it got crazy but not crazy fun
In 2015 doing percs turned to doing dope
That was the bottom it made me lose all hope
I started sniffing dope for a reason
By the way we had a son coming that same season
John was born the 2nd of September
The birth of him is something I will always remember
See I did drugs literally until he came
For that reason alone I carry lots of guilt and shame
Smoking crack sent me straight into labor
I gave birth to him in the backseat of a car less than an hour later
He was drug exposed thank the Lord he wasn’t addicted
CPS had to get involved that left me conflicted
But I still couldn’t stop doing the drugs that I was doing
Even though it wasn’t just my life I was messing up and screwing
I kept on my run all the while I isolated
Corey and I grew apart we almost separated
Addiction caught up to him he violated probation
I didn’t know the wrath of the coming season I was facing
That season happened for many reasons
I pray to God I find out why next season
Summer of 2016 my addiction spiraled out of control
My third time getting arrested this time cause I stole
I was released on PR and I hit the street
I was homeless and broken and my luck was beat
Without my man I felt completely lost
I turned to drugs worse than ever, got them at any cost
In my addiction I did many things I said I would never do
I lied, stole, cheated even sold myself too
The worst part of it all was losing my soul
The devil lived inside me and he took control
My man behind bars said “Babe get it together
You’re pregnant with our twins and can’t run forever”
With him nagging in my ear it wasn’t enough
I had to fall to my lowest and that fall was tough
November 22, 2016 will always be remembered
The day I turned my will over I asked for help I finally surrendered
That season I found strength for a reason
Life was going to be getting better the next season
This past season I have learned the most
Understanding my purpose through The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost
See being pregnant had never made me stop before
But my four babies without their mom I couldn’t afford
I got so sick and tired of being sick and tired
Lost trust from everyone cause I was such a liar
Look at me now I have 7 months clean
That number there is one I have never seen
I firmly believe everything happens for a reason
My clown of an uncle is who got me arrested last season
Thoughts of him initially pushed me to want to numb my pain
The abuse from him in my youth helped drive me insane
At the same damn time he helped me get here
I see the full circle while my mind has gotten clear
Now I have an abundance of hope for what’s to come
On my rainy days I sing “Here Comes The Sun”
I’m living for today and staying positive
I’m choosing life not death because I wanna live
Taking life as it comes one day at a time
I love my God and with His Will I will be fine
I’m living life differently for so many reasons
The best is yet to come in the coming seasons